I am such an idiot.

So the other day, I went to Lowe’s to buy some cheap plastic chairs for extra seating on my deck.  I don’t generally like going to stores like this, because they are huge and intimidating and generally lack, well, cute stuff.  Sure, there’s an occasional cute watering can or pretty light fixture, but there is also wood, and dirt, and chemicals, and other stuff that I have previously had no use for.

Well, this simple shopping trip turned into, to put it a nice way, a “comedy of errors.”  To put it a not-as-nice way, it turned into “how many ways can Taylor be an idiot.”  It started at the very beginning, when I entered the store and walked around the lawn and garden section for 20 minutes, looking for my cheap, plastic chairs.  Lots of nice, metal chairs to be found, but not cheap, plastic ones.  I finally got up the nerve to ask someone (it’s not that the people were scary themselves, it’s that they were doing scary things, like heaving huge boxes and driving mini forklifts).  I vaguely described what I wanted, and the guy looked at me for a second and said, “Didn’t you see those on your way in?”  I stared blankly.

Sure enough, he led me to the very entrance I had used — I could see my car right outside — and showed me about 30 eight-foot tall stacks of exactly the chairs I wanted.  Did I mention I basically had to trip over them to enter the store?  I blushed, and the associate, obviously sensing my ineptitude, asked me how many I wanted, picked them off the top of the stack, and carried them to the register for me.  You know, just in case I wasn’t able to locate the registers, too.

I paid and headed back to where I’d come in.  A couple (different) associates were standing near that door, and they stared at me as I walked toward it.  I got nervous, since I was carrying the big stack of chairs — I didn’t want them to think I was stealing them.  So I awkwardly shifted the receipt to my other hand so they would see it as I walked by.  In the process, though, I crashed into the door, which had not automatically opened.  I looked over at the associates.  One of them said, “Uh, you can’t go out that way.”  I looked back toward the door, where two giant NO EXIT signs faced me.  Ahhhh not again.  I tried to laugh it off and turned back into the store.

The fun was not over yet.  I saw the real exit in the distance on the right, but every time I tried to go down an aisle to get to it, there was a huge gate blocking me off.  What in the world is this?  I have never seen these things!  In Target or a grocery store or whatever — you know, a normal store — you can cut through any aisle.  Not at Lowe’s.  They have gates to keep you in!  I guess so you will buy additional wood and dirt.  I finally figured out I could walk through the self check-out area to free myself, and I must have been walking fast and looking overly relieved while I did it, because another lady appeared out of nowhere and called out “Ma’am! Ma’am!  I need to see your receipt!”  I turned around one more time, showed her my receipt, and finally escaped the store.

I managed to find my car and shove the chairs inside it with uncharacteristic ease, which was a relief.  I think I won’t mention how my next stop was Food Lion, where I saw some cute pastel purple plastic Adirondack chairs and bought two on the spot without thinking of how they would fit in my car and then spent the next 15 minutes in front of said Food Lion trying to jam them inside with the other ones…or how a nice man finally helped me get them in, but then when I got home I couldn’t get them out…yeah, I won’t mention that…because then you would think I am an idiot or something.

Sigh.

The chair I bought (just so you know, they are in the front of the store right as you come in):

plastic chair

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3 Responses to “I am such an idiot.”

  1. aunt jane Says:

    Oh Taylor, your blog is the story of my life. The things that happened to you once happen to me daily!! And I LOVE Lowe’s and similar stores!! I just laugh at myself and feel good that I gave the employees something to laugh about and to go home and tell their families. One funny story about Lowe’s that happened to one of my friends is this: She picked out the color of paint she wanted, looked around a bit and didn’t find anything else she needed, and walked out of the store carrying the paint–unpaid for I might add. Sometime in the next day or two she realized that she had not paid. She was scared to walk into the store carrying the paint, but she did. Noone stopped her. She got in line, paid for the paint, and left!!!! I guess stores here don’t have watchdogs making sure people pay like the store you visited!! I can’t wait to see you and all of the things you’ve done to the yellow brick house!! I love you!!

  2. Brittany Says:

    I’m with aunt jane. It’s not so bad when it happens to you daily! I hardly notice my constant missteps anymore! 🙂

  3. janeexplained Says:

    You never blogged your brunch.

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